A lovely May Day helloooo to all
you young heads full of mush! Y’all are in for a treat for Ah am in
extra fine fettle today. Spring is in the air, and Ah am feelin’ mah
oats, so to speak!
Didn’t my darlin’ niece Star do
a charmin’ job of takin’ over for me last month—in spite of the fact
that she has the misfortune to hail from the North? She descends from
such noteworthy Southern stock that we’ll just overlook that
distasteful detail. Now, be assured mah absence was merely due to
overindulgin’ ever so slightly in April foolin’, but Ah am fully
recovered and more than capable of handlin’ the likes of you, so don’t
you be gettin’ any ideas.
Oh, dear—it appears my furbelows
have gotten in a bunch. Ah confess Ah arose a wee bit late this mornin’
as a result of spendin’ more time than Ah intended preparin’ mah
festive May pole last night—if y’all get mah drift. And by the time Ah
finished pirouettin’ around the lovely thing at daybreak, there wasn’t
time left to complete my toilette properly before sashayin’ to class.
So if you will pardon me for just a moment . . . ah . . . That is ever
so much better!
I declare, it is plain to see
that y’all have been enjoyin’ some festivities of your own while my
back was turned, you naughty children! Well. Now that Ah have set
mahself fully to rights, let us turn our attention to settin’ you
in order as well through serious contemplation of the Sacred Laws of
Fiction Etiquette. The envelope, please, sweetheart.
Thank you, baby doll—and do not
linger on your way back to your seat unless you wish to have yours
paddled. There is only one star in this classroom, and alas, it is not
Dear Ms. Flanders,
I recently joined a writers
e-mail loop, and being a newbie I am totally confused as to the proper
etiquette. So far I have been roundly admonished for not cutting off
something called “tails” and for encouraging loop members to check out
updates on my blog and Web site. Good gracious, when I posted an
invitation to sign up for my newsletter, I feared the list hostess was
going to have an apoplectic attack! It also appears that announcing my
book signings and other events or sharing happy news about my books or
even prayer requests, for pity’s sake, is strictly forbidden. What is a
writers e-mail loop for anyway?
Bothered and Confused
Dear Bothered and Confused,
Rest assured that no one on your
e-mail loop ever wants to hear about your news. Decorum demands that
you keep to your proper place—which is to say, maintainin’ a posture of
slavish submission to the powers that be. In their infinite wisdom,
they have declared that the loop is for discussin’ writin’ only, and it
is more than clear that none of the subjects you mention has the least
thing to do with the topic at hand. Now pay attention and do as you’re
told, sweetheart. And make absolutely sure you cut off those tails
before clickin’ send, or you are in danger of a brisk rap across the
fanny from yours truly!
Lordy, there is no one who can
straighten out a clueless neophyte as succinctly as your own Ms.
Flanders, if Ah do say so mahself! Ah don’t know about y’all, but Ah am
havin’ entirely too fine a time today!
And speakin’ of today, time is
a’wastin’. Y’all scoot on out of here now, and be sure you behave
yourselves until our next class. Ah intend to avail mahself of the
opportunity for more festivities around the May pole while there’s
daylight left, and Ah surely don’t need any competition in that
is proper etiquette on writers’ e-mail loops?
Oh Jane! Oh Roger! Using characters’ names in dialog.