Good mornin’, dedicated fiction
devotees. And isn’t it a bright, new day? Ah am so glad to see that all
this vulgah holiday excitement has not hindered you from placin’ the
proper priority on our monthly session of exhortation in the Sacred
Laws of Fiction Etiquette, which, as you all know, Ah am most
thoroughly qualified to administer.
Ah do trust that y’all have been
maintainin’ proper deportment and decorum amidst the temptations of the
season. If you have not, rest assured that Santa will have no choice
but to leave a lump of coal in your stockin’ on Christmas mornin’.
Therefore, be absolutely certain that you do not trample on propriety
or step out of your appointed place. And that goes for the upcomin’ New
Year, too—which Ah will have more to say about next month.
If you will kindly hand me that
envelope, sweetheart, Ah will be forevah in your debt. Figuratively
speakin’ of course. Ms. Flanders is nevah really in anyone’s debt, you
understand, darlin’. Now, do please sit down. Don’t be thinkin’ there
is any possibility a mealy mouthed young’un such as you
can evah upstage me.
Thank you, baby doll. Bless your
heart . . .
Dear Ms. Flanders,
Why doesn’t Christian fiction generate the kind of reader excitement
and loyalty, not to mention sales, that books like the Harry Potter
series do? Can it be that Christian fiction isn’t as well written—or
perhaps that it doesn’t address topics readers find as compelling? Is
it because Christian publishers don’t promote their books like secular
publishers do? Or do Christian authors need to avail themselves of the
newer media to get the word out? What can we authors do to rectify this
Aspiring Best-selling Author
Rectify this situation? Mah
dear, the situation is exactly as it should be. Ah am most thoroughly
horrified by such an open display of crass materialism by someone who
claims to be a Christian author. But on your behalf, Ah will assume
that you are inspired by the Christmas season.
Please do keep in mind that true
Christian fiction is not only of much higher quality than the ilk of
the Harry Potter books, but also does not appeal to the herd. That,
honey chile’, is why the best inspirational novels will nevah be
tainted by the label of “best-seller” or burdened with common acclaim.
Such stories are just too pure to attract the notice of those who are
not acquainted with quality literature.
It follows that those who write
and publish Christian fiction will not descend to the reprehensible
tactics used by their counterparts in the secular field. Mah stars and
bars, would you have your fellow authors descend to throwin’
caution—not to mention common sense—to the wind and gallopin’ after
so base as fame and fortune?
Sweetheart, that can lead to
nothin’ except the most scandalous behavior, such as accosting
passers-by on the streets to press copies of your book into their hands
or, heaven forbid, runnin’ amok on these so-called social networkin’
sites Ah have heard of—but have nevah visited and nevah will to mah
dyin’ day, thank you very much!
Why, just the very thought of
talkin’ to strangers you’ve nevah been introduced to, whether in person
or on this thing called the Internet—well, it’s all just too scandalous
for the well-bred gentleman or lady to consider. Do not even think of
it or you will be ruined forevah!
Mah goodness, you have put me in
a proper state! The only way Ah’m goin’ to get back
into the holiday spirit is by retirin’ to mah boudoir and indulgin’ in
a cup or two of eggnog. And let me assure you, mah recipe, which has
been closely guarded by mah family since well before the late War of
Northern Aggression, includes a generous dollop of—well, shall we just
say, nog, if y’all know what Ah mean. It is
guaranteed to make the season particularly festive, and at the moment
Ah need all the festivity Ah can get.
Alas, once more the time has
arrived for me to bid y’all adieu. Do not under any
circumstances neglect to start your New Year off right next month by
returnin’ for further admonishment on the Sacred Laws of Fiction
Etiquette or 2009 is bound to be a great disappointment for you,
are the most important New Year’s Resolutions for a fiction writer?
does a new author go about securing endorsements for an upcoming
March: Is it
proper to communicate directly with an author if you’re a huge fan?