The author of Beach Dreams (2008), Trish Perry lives in Northern Virginia with her hilarious teenaged son. She discovered her love of writing while earning a degree in Psychology. She switched career paths in 1997 and never looked back. Her debut novel, The Guy I’m Not Dating, placed second in the 2007 FHL Inspirational Readers’ Choice Contest, and her second novel, Too Good to Be True, is a current finalist in the 2008 FHL IRCC. 

Hungry? Ready for a tasty piece of fiction? That’s the kind of reader you’re looking for if you plan to write a culinary novel. Just don’t try to write one about Raymundo Flores of Brooklyn, New York.

The culinary novel is an interesting creation, and not one we’re all qualified to serve. The author must keep the story’s momentum going, while she intersperses appropriate recipes between delectable plot twists and juicy character traits.

So let’s consider our given ingredients. Our hero, Raymundo, forty, is down and out and thrilled to land the position of line cook at Brooklyn’s famous Junior’s Restaurant. But the work is hard, and he’s not exactly raking in the money.

Enterprising as he is, Raymundo eyeballs the priciest item on Junior’s menu: lobster tails. He’d have to be a total schlub to miss out on this financial opportunity. So he casually saunters into the walk-in freezer and stuffs fifteen of those babies into his pants. Coworker Adam Marks happens to see Raymundo, mid-stuff. As would any experienced restaurant employee at this point, he alerts colleague Joe Hanson and requests a second opinion.

“I say, Joe. I’m thinking perhaps Raymundo is confused about the proper preparation of lobster tails. What say you?”

Whereupon Joe takes a gander at Raymundo’s lumpy drawers, as Ray shoves lobster number fifteen just below his waistband.

“You know, Adam, I think you may be on to something. That’s just not right.”

The two of them call 911. Raymundo is charged with petit larceny and criminal possession of stolen property. He’s fired. And he can’t find a single dry cleaner willing to launder those pants.

Unfortunately, he can’t plead temporary insanity—full-blown insanity, maybe, but not temporary—because he brought bandages into the freezer to wrap those lobster tails around his legs. I’m no Sherlock, but even I know premeditated lobster pants-stuffing when I see it.

Perhaps Raymundo’s love interest can bust him out of jail in our story. Maybe grease the bars with a little melted butter.

Here, then, is the recipe we will strategically insert into our culinary novel about Raymundo.

Ingredients:

15 lobster tails
½ pound butter
3 pots boiling water
7 Ace bandages
1 honkin’ big pair of pants

Take Ace bandage in right hand and lobster tail in left. As nonchalantly as possible, shove hands, bandage, and lobster into your pants. Caution: pants must actually be on your person at this point. Wrap bandage around leg, inserting lobster between bandage and leg in secure fashion. Observe all USDA health codes while affixing said tail to said leg.

Repeat 14 times. Best to start at ankles and work up, seven lobsters to a leg. Placement of fifteenth lobster left to your own discretion.

Transport lobsters to preparation site in as graceful a mode as possible—standing in subway preferred over sitting in cab. Or sitting anywhere, actually.

Take care to remove lobsters from pants before inserting into boiling water.

Melt butter in pan or microwave. Do not melt in pants.